Friday, November 6, 2009

It is in the moments.

August 2009 049

Here lately, I have been feeling overwhelmed as a parent. I am a little ashamed to even say that, but it is true. Last Sunday at church, instead of leaving feeling spiritually uplifted and recharged, I instead left feeling completely drained and frustrated with my son and disappointed (to say the least) with (what feels like at times) my dismal parenting skills. This complete state of "feeling like a failure" was brought on after an hour of chasing my son around during sacrament meeting. In the midst of this, making several trips to the foyer to have some heart to heart conversations with him about being reverent (all of which by the way seemed to fail miserably). Then later followed by 2 hours of substituting in the nursery where my little guy continued to struggle with staying on task during the songs, activities and snack time. And, yes, some of the other kiddos were struggling, yet they paled in comparison to my little guy and his energy level. At about 15 till the close of church, I finally just gave up. I stomped walked out of the nursery (promising myself as I tried to balance my little guy kicking and screaming on my hip that I was DONE wearing high heels), and headed to my husband's Sunday School class, tapped him on the shoulder and as I was literally dumping our little guy in his lap, said, "HE'S ALL YOURS...".

My head was throbbing with a migraine headache at this point and instead of going back into the nursery, I wanted to go in a corner and cry...but I didn't...I couldn't because well, I'm the grown up and I'm not supposed to do that (at least in public). But what I couldn't have foreseen was what I soon felt as I saw my dear hubby and son walking hand in hand towards me down the hallway. Both smiling and coming to make me feel better. My love for them was overwhelming at this moment. And then, I heard this little voice in my head, an ever so calm voice, whisper to me that all would be okay. And a gentle reminder that it isn't supposed to be easy.

How true this is...parenting is not an easy job. It was never meant to be-- good parenting that is. When I study the scriptures, I am reminded that it wasn't easy for Adam and Eve nor for Lehi and Sariah, nor for our own parents or even the countless parents who came before us. So, why should it be any easier for me?

I have been reading from Sheri Dew's book this week , No One Can Take Your Place, and as I pondered the feelings I felt on Sunday, this passage caused me to pause and reflect...
"Now, the glorious but sobering truth is that...the days ahead will at times wrench our very heart strings. If we've hoped to live out our lives passively, comfortably, let me burst that little bubble once and for all. There will be days when we feel defeated, exhausted, and plain 'ole beat up by life's whiplash. People we love will disappoint us- and we will disappoint them. We'll probably struggle with some kind of mortal appetite. Some days it will feel as though the veil between heaven and earth is made of reinforced concrete. And, we may even face a crisis of faith. In fact, we can count on trials that test our testimony and our faith. "
She further writes...
"Indeed, if we will seek after our Father, and seek to follow His Son, They will help us. They will make us equal to all that lies in our path."
For me, it was soothing to my soul to be reminded of this. I have to remember that just because my little guy does not always say or act exactly how I think he should... as long as I continue to persevere and continue to show my love for him and strive to teach him the values and principles he needs to know, I know in my heart that it will all be worth it someday.

As many of you know, I waited so very long to have my little guy come into my life and being his mother is the most amazing experience I could have ever asked for. But with that, it is also the acceptance that this journey comes with some very lonely and trying moments. Moments that I could have never predicted or foreseen. Yet, it is in these moments where I am being taught how to be a better mother, wife, human being and daughter of God. It is in the those late, quiet hours of the night, after the hubby and my little guy are nestled in their beds, that I am drawn to my knees in prayer to seek guidance from a loving and patient Father in Heaven. Because I know with the depths of my soul that it is He who will give me the strength to fulfill this very sacred calling in life.

I am equally grateful for those mothers out there who teach me how to be better by their example. The same mothers who are able to see parenting for what it truly is and inspire me to persevere when I am feeling so very ill equipped. One mother in particular is Stephanie Nielsen a/k/a Nie Nie. You'll have to check out Nie Nie's recent post here --it has to be one of my favorites. And, well, a humbling reminder that my trials pale in comparison.

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